Another Deer Lease Saga

This was interesting and is funny now. The following happened when my buddy Moon and I went out to his deer lease on Saturday in Benjamin, TX. Our main goal was to put out a large shooting target that he purchased, do some hog hunting, and to relax.

First let me describe a few things to help with the story:

Moon: 6’3. 270 lbs. from Seguin, TX, man of few words, not scared of anything. Short temper.

Moons Truck: Brand new, Chevy Z71, crew cab truck

Target: 400 lbs of pure steel. Two 4ft drilling posts for a base, stands 7ft tall on steel rods and has a ¾ in. thick circular sheet of steel in the middle that is on a hinge to absorb the shot.

A few of the names have been altered for various reasons.

Moon’s Deer Lease: 4 Miles North of Benjamin, TX. 2 ½ hours East of Lubbock, 1 ½ hours north of Abilene. East portion of the Spike Box Ranch. Up on top there is some flat land with Cedar trees and small foot hills. When you leave from up top to go into the bottom it does not have one flat spot anywhere. There are creeks, drop offs, large boulders, steep climbs, spread throughout. I would not recommend even the toughest of Jeeps or ATVs to go out in this area. It looks like a smaller version of the mountains in Afghanistan.

4:00 PM: Arrive to Camp, Unload luggage and groceries. Turn AC on in Camper and head straight out to find shooting location and place to put Target.

4:15 PM: Find good, high spot where you can see for days. Mark as shooting spot, and take off down through canyons on foot to mark off 500yds. Enjoying the great outdoors!

4:20 PM: Exhausted, we mark off the distance and make it back to truck. Get in truck to find a way to get to spot. Truck Temperature says its 109, feels like 119.

4:30 PM: Only one possible place to get down into Canyon. It’s pretty much a straight down decent. I put on my seatbelt, I am terrified.

4:40 PM: We made it and are making some progress. I ask Moon if he has Bob Seger’s Like a Rock (song from the Chevy commercial) on his ipod, we could have given Chevy some great footage for a commercial. He did, and I loaded it to play 20 times in a row. We are singing it at the top of our lungs. We think we are awesome. Still trying to get to Target location.

5:15 PM: After trying 3 different ways in, we can’t make it to location. We drag Target out of back of truck and decide we are going to have to put it on our shoulders. Crap. Temperature now actually reads 119. First hurdle is a 15 ft climb straight up a hill. We can only lift a carry this thing for about 15 yards before we have to break. We have 250 yards to go, you do the math.

6:00 PM: We finally made it and celebrate with high fives and chest bumps. Get out water bottles to replenish the 3 gallons each, we just lost. Decide that we are going to charge every person who shoots at Target a labor charge for what we had just done.

6:15 PM: Can’t find our tracks to get out of canyon. Moon goes off 2 ft drop and destroys his front bumper. Can’t tell what state his license plate is from. He is irritable and not amused.

6:30 PM: Still can’t find way out. This is not good. Like a Rock is still jamming until Moon hurls ipod out window and into canyon.

6:40 PM: Still can't find way out. The trucks bumper is barely hanging on. Moon is not a happy camper.

6:45 PM: Still can’t find way out. The feeling that we may be down here for awhile sinks in. I’m now irritable. A lone buzzard soars over, licking his chops. I contemplate taking a shot at him with .338 before he goes and tells his buddies what is going on. We find ipod.

7:00 PM: Finally make it out. Moons truck is in shambles and is smoking from under the hood. We celebrate, scream, chest bump, and I take a shot at Buzzard for being cocky. Missed.

7:45 PM: Pulling out of shooting station, where Moon hit target 10 times and I hit it once (there was something in my eye and he was getting lucky). Then we hear a hissing sound that is not a pleasant one. A small piece of dead cedar is sticking out of his front left tire. We had just run over full size dead cedar trees and this little twig does it. We patch tire and head back to camp.

8:15 PM: Arrive to camp with air gushing out of tire. We patch again and head to Benjamin to get some air.

8:30 PM: Benjamin, TX, one gas station. Air Machine says “Out of Order.” Crap. We decided to put spare on, Moon says “it’ll take 2 min.” Right.

8:45 PM: Spare tire won’t lower from bottom of pickup. We swallow pride and get owner’s manual out. We were using wrong end of rod to lower tire. We are idiots!

8:55 PM: Spare tire still not lowering.

9:20 PM: On road to Knox City, TX on 8 lbs of air pressure. A 12 mile drive at 30 mph. we get the feeling that we are on the road from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and this night could end up very much like the movie. Crap.

9:50 PM: Arrive to the Allsups in Knox City, Air Machine says “Out of Order.” We have a flat tire and there are super sketchy people driving by and staring at us. Moon buys 3 cans of Fix a Flat and 6 Chimychanga burritos.

10:00 PM: Pumped 3 cans of the “good stuff” in tire and it goes up to about 15 lbs of pressure, about half of what it needs. Sketchy truck pulls up right behind us. It has gold rims and blue lights glowing out the bottom of it. We make sure the guns are loaded, if we are going down, we are going in a “Blaze of Fire!” Jose walks up and says, “Hey, man. Whats the problem?”

10:05 PM: We are following Jose to another gas station, that “has air.” We are so desperate that we are actually following this guy. God help us.

10:20 PM: Tire is full of air, but is now leaking again. Jose says we are a bunch of morons, and that he can get the spare loose. He doesn’t. We demolish the Chimychangas (we shared with Jose) and brainstormed.

10:45 PM: An 18 wheeler pulls into gas station right beside us, Jose knows the man. He is dirty, and smells bad. We check our guns again, while they speak in another language for a bit. 18 wheeler man calls us morons, and tries to lower spare tire. He is unsuccessful and says we have “a real problem on our hands.” Now, there’s some new information for us.

11:15 PM: Jose’s buddy Frank shows up. Frank hasn’t seen a shower or a toothbrush since the 80’s. Frank gives us the moron spill again and goes for the spare tire. Doesn’t work. Frank confirms that we are probably dealing with the local drug dealer. We are not amused. Frank says his dad owns the mechanic shop in town, but its way too late to call.

12:00 AM: Jose and Frank are still helping us decide what to do. Moon offers Frank are decent sum of money for any tire that will fit his truck. Apparently this was equivalent to 3 months of work for Frank because he pulls a “Dukes of Hazzard” out of the gas station to look for a tire. I am now amused.

12:10 AM: Jose informs us of a “real nice” motel they have in town. I don’t want to sound conceited here, but our idea of a “real nice” motel may be a bit different. Now we’re thinking we will have to stay at the Bates Motel. Awesome. Neither of us are amused.

12:35 AM: Frank arrives with bad news. No 6 lug tires in town. Plus Sunday was the next day and no one would be open. “This is not good Mav.”

12:55 AM: Frank calls and wakes up his dad. I can hear his dad screaming in the phone before Frank gets out his sentence, “its #%$#% stripped, you’re gonna need a %^$%@ cutting torch to lower the tire.” Frank and Jose know where a cutting torch is. Now I am no brilliant person or anything, but I mention that tire is sitting right below the fuel tank, and a cutting torch just seems like a terrible idea, even in the middle of a crisis. Everyone agrees.

1:20 AM: Frank takes a look at the hole in the tire. Apparently, Moon and myself are morons. Frank patches the hole in 15 seconds and airs the tire up. No air escaping. We celebrate with screams, chest bumps, and give Frank and Jose big man hugs. I contemplate shooting at the buzzard again.

1: 35 AM: We are singing Like a Rock at the top of our lungs with Bob Seger and discussing how great the sleep is going to be in the cold camper.

1:55 AM: Arrive to camp and open camper door. It’s a solid 88 degrees inside. A/C unit blew a fuse.

I will go no further…